No-Exist

Religion is spiritual nationalism. It's not time to co-exist, it's time to stop the aimless speculation and metaphysical dice rolling and admit that WE DON'T KNOW what's going to happen when the final light goes out. SO, commit to the common denominator of humanity and put your efforts towards the things that bind us all. Like, air. Water. Food. Once we get that straight we can all go back to our storytelling.

All That Remains

when you left
you forgot
your toothpaste

one last squeeze
and you're
gone

No Ice

we keep forgetting to make ice
(it’s been years now)
the cricket behind the fridge
is actually ten crickets behind the fridge
The white plaster spot,
that I fixed
where I punched
still isn’t painted
and now
actually seems
part of
the kitchen
And the hum of the computer fan
can’t even drown out its own futility
and she sleeps
unaware of all its all-ness
and all its nothingness
sleeps
and perhaps
dreams

Dada Da

I just became a surreal estate agent. I'm now licensed to sell floating eyes, melting clocks and stairs that go nowhere.

Senor Pinchy Eyes

George Bush was never running this country. He had more hands up his ass than a season of “The Muppets”.

Old Is The New New

“Sears to Reorganize Into Separate Operating Units”

The units are to be known as “Local Hardware Stores” and will be run by highly knowledgeable, though extremely slow and cranky employees.

Sit & Think

I was thinking about getting into meditation. I wasn’t thinking about it too hard of course.. because.. then.. I would have been meditating about getting into meditation and I’m pretty sure that would cause some sort of rip in the time/space continuum.

God Bless America

They call it “faith”. I call it the ultimate lack of faith. There’s so little faith in fact, they have to go get banners printed up saying “God Bless America.” and hang them all over the place. Is that for when God’s flying overhead? In his invisible jet? Doling out the blessings? “Hmmm… let’s see, blessed England, Germany, France (against their will), Canada… Mexico. Shit I feel like I’m forgetting someone. Uraguy?.. no, did them. Hmm.. wait a second. What’s that banner say down there? I’ll just swoop in for a closer look. Wooooosh! “God. Bless. America!” Of course! America! Oh myself – that would have been hysterical. All that wasted prayer. OK America, one blessing, coming up. Zzzzzzzzz Shazam!!”

Green 2 GO!

Green Wheels Medical Marijuana Delivery – “We bring the weed to you. As soon as we find our car keys.”

The Perils of Ambition

I'm living in Los Angeles. 2 years now. I'm lying on the beach in Santa Monica, it's 88 degrees, there isn't a cloud in sight and the beach looks like it’s been hit by a veritable poonami. I'm reading a magazine article, oddly enough, entitled "Southern California's Black Hole Sun". It's talking about the never changing, ever blissful weather, lulling artists into a morass of unproductiveness. I'm reading, and reading, and regardless of my current sun tanning status, I'm taking exception with the article. I don't like being stereotyped. So I decide, I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna do something. I'm gonna make something of myself. So I get up, dust off the sand, go home and begin to apply myself.

Within a week, I've booked 3 auditions. In under a month I've done three TV spots. In less than a year I have my own series and the day after that I'm lead in a feature film with Matt Damon, and he's got second billing. It's dinners and parties and award ceremonies and interviews and proposals and propositions and perversions and parties in the hills and music, stimulants, drugs, sex, megalomania, Oprah, Scientology. I have a Ferrari and I'm constantly swarmed by women. I live in Malibu when I'm not living in Tuscany and I throw parties all the time, and I get fucked up all the time. Everything is wonderful.

Until…

I start showing up late to set, and the network has to have “words” with me. And then they suggest rehab, and then they order rehab, and then a judge orders rehab – and then I just say fuck all of you! and I run out of the courtroom, jump into my Ferrari, smoke a fatty, throw back a mickey and I fucking FLY up the PCH like a goddamn Sidewinder missle baby – and it feels SOOO good. I let my eyes close, just for a second, and I wonder, when did it all get so crazy? Then I open my eyes, just as I plow into the back of a 36.5 ft. Gulf Stream, Sun-Voyager, as I’m doing 142 miles per hour, causing the behemoth motor home to squeal and squelch out of control, punch through the guard rail and plummet 200ft onto the rocks below, finally exploding in a beautiful orange fireball before sliding into the ocean.

I panic, and take off, but someone saw it all go down, and they get my license number and they call the cops, Now the cops are chasing me but I make it back to my mansion, up to my bell tower, my panic room and now the S.W.A.T. team has taken up positions and I'm reeling and sweating and yelling about the Jews wrecking Hollywood and the smoke from my Ferrari is billowing into the sky - and some unseen voice in the background is saying something like "Let the girl go, and give yourself up." And just as I lift my rifle over the edge… everything goes black.

I wake up in the hospital and they try me from the hospital bed. They find me guilty of laws known and unknown and I’m sentenced to solitary confinement for the rest of my life. The judge looks at me.. looks deep into my eyes and asks, is there anything I’d like to say. And I say yes, "All I really, really every wanted, was to be lying on the beach, soaking up the sun and watching the girls walk by." The judge says, "Pity. Take him away!" and slams his gavel down.

The echoing reverberations wake me up, into consciousness, stunned, but safe. In fact, I’m lying on the beach, soaking up the sun, and watching the girls go by.

Phew. Now THAT was close.

Boogers in the Bathtub

Boogers in the bathtub just won't float
They'd like to leave the castle
But they can't swim the moat
They'd be super snotty sailors
If they only had a boat
But the boogers in the bathtub
just..
won't...
float!

Matter of Time (Lyrics)

It's just a matter of time
before I tell you
It's just a matter of time
It's just a matter of time
before I sell you
It's just a matter of time

It's just a matter of when
you would figure it out
just a matter of how far you'd go
It's just a matter
I've taken away all the doubt
Just a matter
I know why I know what I know

It's just a matter of time
before you sell me
It's just a matter of time
It's just a matter
I hope you think well of me
It's just a matter of time

It's just a matter of
keeping temptation away
just a matter of
letting a sleeping dog lie
just a matter of
making the end of the day
just a matter of
knowing that everything dies

Oooh
time and again
You understand
I take your hand
but, you lead me astray
you lead me astray

It's just a matter of time
before it gets me
it's just a matter of time
it's just a matter of time
before she lets me
it's just a matter of time

It's just a matter of
Feeling the pain in your side
just a matter of
knowing the moment has gone
Just a matter of
making the end of the ride
Just a matter of
staying from dusk until dawn
dusk until dawn

Oooh
time and again
You understand
I take your hand
but, you lead me astray
you lead me astray
you lead me astray
you lead me astray

Maybe (Lyrics)

Maybe I won't cry
maybe I'll be steady
Maybe I'll fly
Come on sky get ready for me
For me

Maybe I won't weep
I'll find a higher purpose
Then I'll go deep
At least beneath the surface
And I, won't mind

Maybe I won't bleed
'Cause this is all illusion
Nothing is real
It's only sweet confusion
And I, don't mind
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight