Modern Americanism

"If I could afford one of those, I'd have two!"

Ain't Too Proud To Beg

I'm trying to park my car. This guy is trying to help me. I seriously do not need his help. I've been driving since I was 10. I trust ME - in a car, as opposed to this legless guy, in a wheelchair. But he's wheeling and pointing, and trying like hell to make "parking space pointing out" a viable business.

Now, you could argue he's too proud to beg - however, I'd say bumming change while holding a sign saying, "I tried making money pointing out parking spaces, but felt like an ass." takes more pride, and indeed more wisdom.

That's a personal journey I'll throw change at.

Grains of Truth

Remember:

The beach without chicks is just a bunch of sand.

Humans

Humans.

We are all time release fertilizer.

Miracle Busters

I took a crap that looks like Jesus.

Seriously, no one could be more surprised than me - I'm an atheist.

But it does. It truly looks like Jesus.

I called the Vatican - asked them to send their Miracle Squad - to see if it's a miracle. (Like I said, I'm a non-believer - but if I can sell a million t-shirts that say, "Jesus, you're shittin' me!" I'd be sitting pretty.

They said no. Wouldn't do it. They said (in so many words) that they couldn't market... shit. No matter what it looked like. Toast, waffles, sides of barns, even some strange mould - yes. Shit. No.

So - there it is. With one flush - my last glimpse of faith went down the drain.

Hoody Who?

Yeah... after about 1500 other potential band names - we gave up and called ourselves "Hoody"

This was Hoody's first gig:

http://www.youtube.com/user/harmonicatastrophe

I'm Teaching My Daughter to Curse

I'm driving along Santa Monica Blvd. with Thalia in the back in her car seat.

At the intersection ahead, this lady pulls an incredibly bonehead move and nearly kills several drivers and a pedestrian. I shout out:

"Stupid bitch!"

(Oops.)

Not quite yet 2 Thalia continues to look coolly out the window at the traffic - sipping her bottle.

One block.

Two blocks.

Three blocks...

Maybe I've dodged the bullet. Then - suddenly, this little voice says:

"Tupid Bitch!"

(shit)

I don't miss a beat:

"Super beach! We should go to a super beach today! Big waves, nice sand.. a really, really super beach!"

Thalia says,

"Super beach."

Yes! Yes! Super beach! Thalia smiles, goes back to her bottle and watching the world go by. Nice - good cover. Super beach. She'll never know the..

"Tupid Bitch."

Damn. Little ears, BIG brain.

On Becoming An Atheist

The hardest thing about becoming an atheist was calling my godson and telling him I had to break up with him.

Tuesday's Bumper Sticker

STOP PRAYING AND DO SOMETHING

YOUR INCESSNATLY BARKING DOG.

Dear Neighbor:

I regret having to be sitting here writing you this letter, however the current situation has gone on long enough, and must be addressed.

Each day, after you let your dog into your yard, and then leave, he (or she) begins to bark. And bark. And bark. (He barks a lot.) Here’s a short list of just some of the things he barks at:

- Airplanes
- Passing cars
- Our sliding door opening and/or closing.
- Quiet talking in the backyard
- Mowing the lawn
- Raking the lawn
- Watering the lawn
- Your other dog
- Swinging in the hammock
- Sun tanning
- Other neighbors talking/laughing/whispering
- The other neighborhood dogs who inevitable start barking to create a
certifiable canine cacophony.

As I write this, I can still hear him lost in one of his barking fits. This one was initially brought on by my watering the plants, but now seems to have become some sick, self-fulfilling cycle, where he is simply barking at himself, or perhaps, his great anger at the absence of any other thing to bark at.

Being a dog owner in a residential area, you are no doubt aware of city ordinances pertaining to your pet, so I won’t insult you by quoting them. I do regret having to “meet” this way, however for myself, and several others who work, or reside home during the day – it’s simply unfair to expect the neighborhood to for us to listen to your dog.

I believe you have several options at your disposal, ranging from shock collars to a good home in the country. I also understand that Los Angeles is home to some cutting edge work in the field of dog therapy, which might also be explored. So, on behalf of myself and all the other neighbors, thank you in advance for your dealing with this unrest.


Sincerely,
Your Neighbor

Cheetas

Father's Day is the new Manshower.

Modelo's and tequila in the parking lot of the Beverly Hills Hotsprings.

The last real hotspring water in LA, goddamnit.

Left to go to Cheetas.

Turns out the damn place doesn't open till 8 on Sundays. WTF? To allow people time to get home from church? To wait till after dinner, when the sun goes down?

Jesus - I can do that shit with a bowl of Rice Krispies.

8pm?

How about a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast and a lap dance?

How about - morning cartoons and a lap dance?

8pm?

Jesus.

Fuck off John McCain

Yes John, Obama should be rattling America's saber at Iran - supporting the people in the streets.

With WHAT saber John!? The one in Iraq, or the one in Afghanistan?

But you're not talking about a sword are you John? You're talking about something... uh...bigger than a breadbox.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-zoPgv_nYg

Ahhh John - you PTSD addled never was. The world has changed.

Sadly but true - we will have to talk to our enemies.

Jesus H. Christ

What am I doing?

I have a blog.

I updated my Fartbook status twice in one day.

I must have something to say.

I must.